1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
