matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
