I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
