Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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