do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
