I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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