Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
