Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
