I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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