If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
