I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The power of my boobs compel you
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
