I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize