My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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