I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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