I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
