Your dad touched me again.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
