Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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