insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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