My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
