anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
