he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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