lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Randomize
