Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
