I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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