If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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