If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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