bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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