I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dear god my vagina.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
