Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
