my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
