so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
