My cat gives me a boner
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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