Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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