I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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