Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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