Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
