I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize