I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
