you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
