i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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