my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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