You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
