I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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