as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
