I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I supernannyed him into submission
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
