i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
