ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize