I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize