Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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