life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
