Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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