I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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