Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
