Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
