My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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