I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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