All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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