and she was petting her beer can
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
