I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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