It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
