So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He shit in the fireplace
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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