I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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