her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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