Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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